A More Personal Introspective

Some of you reading this (if I in fact decided to publish it) may be wondering why I'm doing another post more centrally about me rather than a topic for me to clumsily debate for you like I've been doing. One might say that it is because my past few posts garnered less than positive responses. It's certainly possible, and I actually came to my computer intending to write a far more different piece, by C'est la vie.

I feel myself descending into another one of my routine cycles, one that I'm not too fond of. I wouldn't call it depression, because it's not depression, but it is more of apathy. Every once in a while I'll just take a few minutes off to think about how very routine it all is: we are all doing the same play, day after day, with a few extras swapped out here and there and some dialogue mixed up. It makes me very introspective as to why we do any of it, almost approaching the pinnacle of all self-aware questions: Why are we here?

I've been less than shy about my atheism on this site, but not that kind of why. The kind where I wonder what is it that compels us to do the same thing day in, day out, with very little change for months on end. Surprise, I don't find an answer and just continue on my path of apathy until something comes along and brings me out.

What caused it this time? Can't say I know. Was it the less than stellar reviews I've heard about my previous blog posts? Is it the extreme self-deprication with which I've been approaching midterms which leaves me woefully unprepared? Is it my peculiar predicament which I've recently become aware is quite thoroughly ordinary in all lights?

I don't know.

Maybe it's just the comparison to last year that makes me so sultry. I feel like I've lost most of my friends to the slow death march of time. The only problem is that I can't tell if I've abandoned them or if they've abandoned me. Probably some mix of the two.

I'll sometimes pass someone in the hallway or in the cafeteria that I knew damn well yesteryear or the one before that. Today in the cafeteria I saw one such girl and the only thought that went through my head was 'I remember you.'

I wasn't mad that we had been separated and that neither of us wanted to get back to our previous state. I wasn't wondering whether she remembered me, though I don't think I recognized anything in her eyes. I just looked at her sadly and thought, 'I remember you.'

Is it a problem that we grow and we change and we leave those we once considered brothers or best friends? Maybe. I'm just in an in-between time right now, and that really sucks.

Not sucks in a way that would mean anything to anyone actually suffering out there. Just in a way that sucks for me.

I want to apologize, publicly but in this non-identificateable way for the few of you I've used as a crutch these past few days. You know who you are, and maybe it makes me less of a coward owning up to it here, but I was looking for reassurances about myself that you were providing. It was weak of me. I'm sorry.

Why am I putting this out of the Internet? I don't know, which seems to be a common trend here. I guess I just needed to let off some steam. Maybe I won't post it, and no one will know that this is how I feel. Just don't judge me for it, and please don't pity me for it.  Maybe I'll post it. Maybe.

Thanks for possibly reading and possibly considering,
-J. Valett